My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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