Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
