I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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