you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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