I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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