There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
