he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
COCAINE IS GR8
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
