I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
