im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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