the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
