I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
