some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
