My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
