How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
