i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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