It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
