If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You have to summon your inner elephant
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I believe in your delicious
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
