Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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