I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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