my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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