Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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