I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
