Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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