Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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