Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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