White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
