Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
