if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
third nipple confirmed
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
