I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i love accidental penises.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Randomize
