After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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