i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Come share oat with me in your robe
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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