please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
