i don't like sucking hair
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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