If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
