it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
