I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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