I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
