i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
