I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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