i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
