1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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