he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
