I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
