wakey wakey hands off snakey
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
