I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
