Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
