Who did Billy Mays play for?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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