my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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