Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
