somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
