Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
