Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
