insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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