Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
