do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Can you bring me the toilet please
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
