Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
