There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
