just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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