Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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