Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
