I think I died a long time ago.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
